"Do You Know How Much I Love You?"

We spent yesterday trying to adapt our adoption profile.  We put in a lot of work.  We talked to birth mothers for their opinions on our "Dear Birth Mother" letter.  We took pictures.  We recorded videos. We did a lot of stuff yesterday about adoption.  It was a great day.

Then, today came.  Daylight savings (lost sleep), trying to explain the adoption process yet again, why we haven't been chosen, the "new things" being done for potential adoptive parents by the church, ad nauseam.  As the day progressed, the dear, sweet love of my life broke down.  It had become a day of "why should we keep going?", "is it worth it?", and "I can't keep doing this" statements, and then it was said.

"Why do we have to be the poster children of adoptive couples?"

I instantly asked, "wait, we're the poster children of adoptive couples?"  Tears began. The conversation continued (I won't quote from it here), and I knew the thoughts were going down the drain.  I couldn't let that happen.  I did the only thing I could think of.

I told a joke.

I told a story.

I have to amend that from a joke to a story because of the way things went down.  As I started, she immediately asked if I was trying to make her laugh, and then burst out laughing.  Yes, that WAS the intent, but she was supposed to wait for the punch line.  It took a while to get through the laughs to the punchline.  And when that punchline finally came.....

silence.

All she said to me was, "that was terrible."  I was in trouble.  So, I again went to my emergency back of things, and asked her :

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"You tell me stupid stories."

I certainly hope the laughs at the start of the joke sufficed for the terribleness of what I said.  I certainly hope the laughs can carry her through a little bit more of the sad times of this journey.  I certainly hope she knows how much I truly love her.

Humbled By Humanity

I needed to post on this one, and I have before and during pictures for folks.  First, I was amazed when people came from everywhere with donations.  If you have ever seen the TV show "Hoarders", it felt like our house was the current location for the show...We barely had a path through the living room to the back patio.  We ate dinner downstairs for a week.  My sweetie had to park outside.  We had no back patio (couldn't find it under the donations).  I was absolutely floored with the generosity of family, friends, and even strangers.  Here are some photos of our "Hoarding" :

Our kitchen (or what we could still see)

The garage from the kitchen - or what we could see of it

Another view of the garage.  There's a car buried in there.

Looking into the living room

We had to work for this path to get it

Back patio (really?)

Clothing made it all the way out here

Another view of the living room

The few days before, we had some dear friends volunteer to sort things out, (some of the stuff just couldn't be put out there, such as used underwear, broken foo-foo thingies, and similar items).  Their help was invaluable, and once more triggered more humility in looking at people's willingness to do amazing things.  The day of, we were going at 5:30 setting up tables, moving stuff out, and trying to stay on top of things.  A great many people assisted throughout the day, from handling the bartering to organizing.

One yard of the "yard" sale

The other yard of the "yard" sale

almost done, still stuff to be sold

almost done, most furniture had been sold

Amazing results

amazed at how many VHS tapes sold

remaining toys and games went to a
local police/fire department to use
for children who needed them

remaining books went to good will

remaining clothing donated to the homeless shelter

finally, clean up in full gear

We had experiences where people would ask, "How much is that?", to which we would respond with "Just a dollar", and the sale happened with "Here's three."

We had people who pulled up in their SUV's, and said "My husband bought this camp hammock a few years ago, and used it once.  He's 73 years old.  We want you to have it."  Sure, I was floored by perfect strangers and their amazing acts of kindness!  But, to my utter surprise, having someone purchase that camping hammock moments later and walk away muttering under his breath, "I'm still not sure what this is," makes you take a long, hard look at how we perceive people.  Generosity, willingness to sacrifice, help out, and just be amazing is.... well.... amazing!

And, while we were in "full clean up" mode outside, a very dear friend claimed "allergies", and went inside.  We walked into the house to find cupboards and counters cleaned and wiped down, floors swept and vacuumed, and frankly, we had a house again.

To sum it all up, we were first humbled by the generosity of SO many people who donated.  Then, we were humbled by volunteers who helped to sort.  We were later humbled by people buying things they didn't need, didn't want, or didn't even know what those things were.  We were humbled by people walking up and handing checks to us.  Lastly, we were humbled by the long time people spent laboring all day, and then cleaning up.  My sweet wife and I were in tears (I pretend that we were simply exhausted [which we were] and that allergies were getting to me) for hours.  There is no denial that the Grace of God ran rampant in a little neighborhood this past weekend.

We are simply, and purely, humbled.  Thank you!

Dancing the Night Away

We'd talked about it for a year or so.  Shan joked about me not being able to dance, and I kept responding with "well, perhaps we should take a class."  Because of her schedule, I couldn't sign us up at all.  She finally did sign us up.  So, off we went to six weeks of learning to dance.

We started out with the waltz.  A couple of weeks on the waltz (I will always think of "Edelweiss" when waltzing as a result, and every time I hear that tune, I'm going to be thinking of that beautiful woman in my arms).  I pretend to have it mastered.  Shan dances so well she could fit in to a Disney princess movie.

Next up, they tried to teach the cha-cha.  I say tried, because that's what it was.  Please allow me paint a picture for you.  They teach you the "thirds" position, where one foot is slightly in front of the other, always on the ball of your foot (never the heel), and when you step, the foot that your weight is on is also the hip that is higher than the other.... wait... what?  Yup, that's what they taught me.  It flies in the face of all I've ever been taught about weight distribution, movement, and "flowing".  We tried for a few weeks.  We did the usual "scientific experimentation" to try and determine the best way to cha-cha.  We finally arrived at our conclusion - Shan is amazing at the cha-cha, but my hips just don't move that way.  We're going to go to a dance every once in a while to see if something finally clicks in my head, but in the mean time, I can't really cha-cha very well.

Next up - we learned the swing.  Luckily, I'd had some lessons on swing dancing before, but not the basics like they taught in this class.  It was a good thing to get the basic frame down for swing dancing, then the rest of it finally made sense.  It was like the heavens opened, inspiration flowed, and understanding prevailed, but without the heavens opening or inspiration flowing.  It was fabulous!  Once again, Shan rocked this one.

I love her smile!

Then, they taught us a fox trot.  With the length of the class, we really only had a single lesson on the fox trot.  The good thing is that after the other classes with the other styles, it actually came fairly naturally.  But, alas, Shan already had some fox trot lessons in the past, and it was really a learning experience for me.  That foxy lady trotted the floor like a pro!

Look Closely - She's giving me pointers!

Overall, here's what we learned... Shan has some serious skills, while I have some serious struggles.  But, given enough time and dancing, and my skill level will finally lift into the "doable" range.  We've already got it figured out to where we can go (and when) for some weekend nights out, and we will do so - that's a given.  I'd dance any night away with the love of my life!

Edelweiss

The sweetest, cutest thing on this planet convinced me to take an "extended education" course with her.... ballroom dance.  I must say, I've danced the waltz before, and a little swing dance, but never a real course for it, and never with the love of my life.  Tuesday was the first class, and we covered the waltz.

Turns out, I can cut a rug (without scissors, even)!  It was fun to think that I was going to make a fool of myself, only to have her standing next to me, giggling with every step we took.  Those giggles reminded me of times before this adoption thing, and when she giggles, no one can hold back a smile or chuckle of their own.  We learned the waltz to "Edelweiss", and that particular version had a really sappy, perfect phrase done by a solo trumpet.

So, we took the time to practice yesterday, and when we started to dance around the living room (trying not to knock over the book table or trip over the fireplace hearth), naturally I started singing.  And then I kicked into a mock trumpet.... and she giggled again!  It made this week absolutely AWESOME!  (You rock, Woman!)

Things Mr. Fix-It Can't Fix

I have two hands (a left and a right, duh - only my feet are two lefties).  On one hand, I have this relentless desire to fix problems.  On the other hand are problems.  Sometimes.... just sometimes.... the two don't work together very well.  There are problems that Mr. Fix-It cannot fix.

Take for instance our trial - no children.  It's a problem that I'd love to fix.  It would take a miracle to fix it, one that would either be an almost-but-not-impossible miracle of conception, or the miracle of adoption.  However, it hasn't happened.  Sometimes.... it feels like we are simply empty fuel tanks, with nothing else to give.  We are broken, crushed, and devastated (and have been for years).

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the edge of the couch, worried about my sweet wife.  As tears of heart-hurt roll down her cheek, catching the dim light of an evening floodlight, I sit longingly, unable to do anything.  I make attempts at distracting her from her thoughts, but to no avail.  I attempt to bring some humor into the situation, but it doesn't help.  I tell her I love her, but it doesn't make the pain go away.  I have a problem that cannot be repaired.  I watch her fight her way through experiences of having friends have happy pregnancies with a feigned smile, only to come home at night and cry.  I watch her hide her emotions from even me, and panic that I might lose this spectacular woman.  In this, the whisperings of God are drowned in the loud, screaming pain.  I can't fix the hurt she experiences - there is no solution that I can facilitate.

I am helpless.  It is the worst experience I've ever felt.  (Just to keep things in perspective, this experience also happens the very night I drop a wrench while under the car and bloody up the bridge of my nose between the eyes - not even that ache comes close to watching someone you love experience pain that you can do nothing about.)  This is an awful hell, and I cannot get her out of it.  I wouldn't wish this one on my worst enemy, and sometimes, not even my closest friends can help.  We are alone, even when we are not.  Is this really worth the fight?

I LOVE the month of November!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  I love Thanksgiving, gathering together with family and friends and spending time playing games, talking and just being!  I love the changing of the seasons.  Growing up, my mom would say that the mountains looked like a "bowl full of Trix cereal" because of the changing leaves.   Although I HATE being cold, I love wondering if I will wake up to snow, and hoping for a chance to wear my cozy, fluffy sweaters!  I love the taste warm apple cider and herbal tea on those crisp cold mornings.  Most of all, I LOVE, LOVE,  LOVE counting my blessings daily.

"A grateful heart will give you a touch of refinement that 

can come in no other way."  

Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I try to be grateful everyday during the year, but Joe and I have a tradition specific to November.  I tape up a "cutsy-pootsy" paper on our door and we list our blessings each day.  If anyone comes, to visit, they are invited to add to our list.

So for this post, I thought I'd post what we are grateful for!

November 1:  
Joe: "The sweetest, awesomest wife EVER!"
Shan:  A day off of work

November 2:
Joe:  Temple covenants
Shan:  Home!  K. & E. 's backflips, M.'s "Aunt Shannie!", and the twins' cuddles

November 3:
Joe:  I don't have to push handcarts with little-to-no food in the snow
Shan:  The chance to fast and commune with Heavenly Father

November 4:
Joe:  To be sustained by the Spirit when absolutely needed
Shan:  Bestest bud, Issy

November 5:  
Joe: Time to work on a car
Shan:  Warm, cozy, comfy bed

November 6:  
Joe: Great colleagues
Shan:  AMAZING Young Women

November 7:  
Joe: Inspiration from the Spirit of God
Shan:  Supportive, gentle, loving, patient "Mr. Amazing"

November 8:  
Joe: Good friends
Shan:  Good friends--Old and New

November 9:  
Joe: Service
Shan:  Living so close to so many temples and the chance to attend

November 10:  
Joe: Peace & Home Teachers
Shan:  The Spirit of God

November 11:  
Joe: A day off
Shan:  Veterans--I am grateful for those who have sacrificed and given so much for me to be free!  Thanks Mike!

November 12:  
Joe: Coolest, bestest wife ever!
Shan:  Salvation and Exaltation that comes because of Christ's birth

November 13:  
Joe: To witness testimonies
Shan:  Creativity and talents of others--especially the Young Women Board

November 14:  
Joe: Leaves are raked!
Shan:  Miracles

November 15:  
Joe: Good friends
Shan:  Technology

November 16:  

Joe: Warmth

Shan:  Joe's willingness to help me correct papers!!!

November 17:  

Joe: Sleep?

Shan:  Hugs and kisses from niece & nephew 

November 18:  

Joe:  Not being on call

Shan:  Grades are DONE!!! 

November 19:  

Joe:  To be able to turn off my mind

Shan:  Tender mercies

November 20:  
Joe: Grateful that stress of Shan's activities--finished
Shan:  Memories of love, happiness, and contentment

November 21:  

Joe: One more day of being on-call!  

Shan:  Fun day with students

November 22:  

Joe: Sleep

Shan:  Able to serve others 

November 23:  

Joe:  Able to go to the temple

Shan:  Temple covenants and peace 

November 24:  

Joe:  A low-key day

Shan:  Kind words and actions of others

November 25:  

Joe:  Getting things done

Shan:  Joe's service to me--He cleaned the house on his day off!  WOW!!!  I LOVE Mr. AmAzInG!!

November 26:  

Joe:  Clean home

Shan:  Able to serve others 

November 27:  

Joe:  Friends

Shan:  A home where others feel comfortable to visit and play 

November 28:  

Joe:  Family

Shan:  Tender moments with T cuddling and hearing her "adventures"--I love being an aunt!

November 29:  

Joe:  Only two more work days and then the most critical time of the year is done...at least for another 365 days.

Shan:  New opportunities and a chance to reflect on blessings

November 30:  

Joe:  Time

Shan:  Beautiful mornings

WE ARE BLESSED!!!!

Canadian Geese

This morning I awoke to the sound of honking...not from a car, but from a flock of Canadian Geese.  The sound brought a smile to my face because I was reminded of their beauty and symbolism in my life.  Several years ago, my dear friend, Monica, shared with me an interesting concept about the Canadian Geese's flight.

Canadian Geese support one another as they fly in a V-formation.  At the front of the V, a goose will fight the wind and basically carry the burden of the flock.  The other geese fly at the precise angle, rather than directly behind each other, allowing the birds to easily fly in the draft.  The honking is their encouragement to the front goose.  The geese continue this pattern of flight until they reach their destination and land gracefully.  Another interesting fact is, if one of the birds become injured, two other birds will stay with the injured bird until it is ready to fly again. 

I am SO blessed to have family, friends, young women from my church, and loved ones who have helped me "fly through the winds" of this most recent heart-hurt--infertility.  Many have stayed by my side and provided a shoulder to cry on, a kind word, and numerous prayers on our behalf.  Through their acts of service, I have also recognized God's tender mercies and love for me.  Their acts of love have provided strength and encouragement to weather the dark storms of anger and the "unknown".  

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "God does notice us, and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."  

I am grateful for the reminder that God is there when we are in the midst of trials and difficult times.  THANK YOU!!!  

My hope is that we can all reach out beyond our personal heart-hurt and lift one another.  I know I'm going to try a little harder.  Life is made beautiful as we support, lift, and strengthen one another just like the graceful Canadian Geese!

Love of my Life

I typically wait for a while before acting, and the same holds true here.  I waited quite a bit before writing a post.

Allow me to add a disclaimer - I am not writing this post to drum up any sympathy or feelings from people about feeling sorry for us.  Though what I am writing might trigger people to think about our situation, I'd rather we all use it as a motivation to examine our own situations - to look at what is, rather than what could be.  I am a firm believer in attitude being based on what you are looking at, and our situation is no different.

Let me describe the situation my sweetest love and I find ourselves in, but I'll do it through our story.

We were married almost a half of a decade ago, and a few years into the marriage, we knew something wasn't happening in the way the rest of the world happened - we were seeing no children.  After visiting with specialists, sitting across from a doctor and hearing "there is nothing I can really do for you", trust me, your heart shatters.  It's not a break, it's a shatter.

But, while sitting and hearing those words, and feeling the spirit of God whisper (from Psalms 46:10), "Be still, and know that I am God", one can't help but realize that we truly are in His hands.  That doesn't make it any easier.  It actually makes it a little harder if you like to have things in your own control.  We were suddenly unable to be the one behind the eight ball - and there was nothing we could do about it.  We tried another doctor a year later, but the same result came with a resounding and emphatic "no!"

We fought with the thoughts of thinking we had done wrong, had made a mistake, or caused some grievance that would forever mar our lives.  We were (and still are) plagued with finding out a friend or colleague is pregnant (that's good news, and we still need to hear about it), or read news stories of parents who try to sell a child for drug money, or see bad situations that some are in..... and having those wounds re-opened.  There will likely not be an end to this.  Granted, time wounds all heels (or is that heals all wounds), but this wound may never heal.

So, here we are, having been dragged through the brutal reality of it all, knowing that we can't have children of our own.  Our only recourse (and the only thing that might possibly help heal the wounds) is adoption.   We'd love some children, and if we can't have our own, perhaps we can find another one that will fit in, and make this a complete family.  Perhaps we can find that one lad or lass who will perfectly compliment our family.  Keep your eyes and ears open, and if you run across a situation that could benefit everyone involved, let us know.  We have profile links to the top-right (along with e-mail links, too!) so you can contact us, or visit :

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/28499924/ourMessage.jsf