Take for instance our trial - no children. It's a problem that I'd love to fix. It would take a miracle to fix it, one that would either be an almost-but-not-impossible miracle of conception, or the miracle of adoption. However, it hasn't happened. Sometimes.... it feels like we are simply empty fuel tanks, with nothing else to give. We are broken, crushed, and devastated (and have been for years).
Tonight, I find myself sitting on the edge of the couch, worried about my sweet wife. As tears of heart-hurt roll down her cheek, catching the dim light of an evening floodlight, I sit longingly, unable to do anything. I make attempts at distracting her from her thoughts, but to no avail. I attempt to bring some humor into the situation, but it doesn't help. I tell her I love her, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I have a problem that cannot be repaired. I watch her fight her way through experiences of having friends have happy pregnancies with a feigned smile, only to come home at night and cry. I watch her hide her emotions from even me, and panic that I might lose this spectacular woman. In this, the whisperings of God are drowned in the loud, screaming pain. I can't fix the hurt she experiences - there is no solution that I can facilitate.
I am helpless. It is the worst experience I've ever felt. (Just to keep things in perspective, this experience also happens the very night I drop a wrench while under the car and bloody up the bridge of my nose between the eyes - not even that ache comes close to watching someone you love experience pain that you can do nothing about.) This is an awful hell, and I cannot get her out of it. I wouldn't wish this one on my worst enemy, and sometimes, not even my closest friends can help. We are alone, even when we are not. Is this really worth the fight?
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