Law of Compensation

Compensation:  com •pen •sa •tion  noun  \käm-pən-ˈsā-shən, -ˌpen-\

: something that is done or given to make up for damage, trouble, etc.
: something good that acts as a balance against something bad or undesirable

(http://www.merriam-webster.com)

Unfortunately, I have not been able to "rise above" as much as I hope I could!  Some days are better than others, but the infertility issue, adoption paperwork, holidays, unfulfilled expectations (mine, of course!), feeling like I need to explain everything to everyone when they ask how things are...is overly tiresome!!!  And yet, as I look at those "things"/tender mercies/blessings...etc I am "balanced" and filled!  I believe in the Law of Compensation!

Here are just a few of my 2013 "compensations":

A Jazz game with Mr. AMAZING!!!  Isn't he handsome?!?!  He is a gentle, loving, caring, compassionate man!  I am blessed to be loved by him!

The chance to spend some time with ADORABLE nieces and nephews!  I am blessed!

Being silly with my "bestest bud Is"! I THOROUGHLY enjoy our time together!

M.K...what a fabulous friend!  We have helped each other through some difficult times since our friendship began in 1994!  I miss hearing her laugh everyday!!!  


My life is GOOD!  I am compensated abundantly!  

Things Mr. Fix-It Can't Fix

I have two hands (a left and a right, duh - only my feet are two lefties).  On one hand, I have this relentless desire to fix problems.  On the other hand are problems.  Sometimes.... just sometimes.... the two don't work together very well.  There are problems that Mr. Fix-It cannot fix.

Take for instance our trial - no children.  It's a problem that I'd love to fix.  It would take a miracle to fix it, one that would either be an almost-but-not-impossible miracle of conception, or the miracle of adoption.  However, it hasn't happened.  Sometimes.... it feels like we are simply empty fuel tanks, with nothing else to give.  We are broken, crushed, and devastated (and have been for years).

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the edge of the couch, worried about my sweet wife.  As tears of heart-hurt roll down her cheek, catching the dim light of an evening floodlight, I sit longingly, unable to do anything.  I make attempts at distracting her from her thoughts, but to no avail.  I attempt to bring some humor into the situation, but it doesn't help.  I tell her I love her, but it doesn't make the pain go away.  I have a problem that cannot be repaired.  I watch her fight her way through experiences of having friends have happy pregnancies with a feigned smile, only to come home at night and cry.  I watch her hide her emotions from even me, and panic that I might lose this spectacular woman.  In this, the whisperings of God are drowned in the loud, screaming pain.  I can't fix the hurt she experiences - there is no solution that I can facilitate.

I am helpless.  It is the worst experience I've ever felt.  (Just to keep things in perspective, this experience also happens the very night I drop a wrench while under the car and bloody up the bridge of my nose between the eyes - not even that ache comes close to watching someone you love experience pain that you can do nothing about.)  This is an awful hell, and I cannot get her out of it.  I wouldn't wish this one on my worst enemy, and sometimes, not even my closest friends can help.  We are alone, even when we are not.  Is this really worth the fight?

It's Christmas Time!

This is one of my favorite seasons! (There are four of them, if you don't know that.) There are a number of things I love about this season :

• Gray skies remind me of serving the people of Canada, as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - when we had a part of a day for preparation, missionaries sometimes found themselves playing field hockey to help bring people together - and Canadian parks always seemed to have an ice rink due to neighbors, sandbags, and garden hoses
• Sometimes a good snow fall can help clear the air out, so the world is crisp and clean - twinkling stars on a cold, crisp, clear night will always remind me of the twinkly in my loves' eyes
• Christmas lights make me smile due to fond memories growing up where my father placed the lights out and checked each individual bulb - all without cursing or showing frustration
• Snow on the ground muffles the loud noises of living in the city, and that helps to bring a feeling of peace
• Nativities start to come out, and people are suddenly willing to wear their religion publicly - it seems like the entire nation is suddenly acceptable toward Christianity again
• Children start to smile, just thinking about Christmas day

Don't get me wrong, the season isn't perfect.  For example, the hustle-and-bustle of a "shopping season" can get pretty weary - the thought of trying to find the perfect gift for the ones you love can motivate many people to get out and "deal with it".  But each downside also has an upswing - the hustle-and-bustle results in sitting across from someone as they open a package that you know what you sacrificed for.  The cold air has beautiful skies (sometimes).  The neighbors can get together to celebrate the season.

This is one of my favorite seasons!