We're doing it!  I think I may have created a monster…I don't really know how to go about completing a successful yard/garage/rummage sale!  People have been SOOOOO generous.  Our living room, back porch and garage are full to the brim!
I'll let you know how it all turns out!
To those who have donated,  THANK YOU for support, love and generosity!!!!!

Dancing the Night Away

We'd talked about it for a year or so.  Shan joked about me not being able to dance, and I kept responding with "well, perhaps we should take a class."  Because of her schedule, I couldn't sign us up at all.  She finally did sign us up.  So, off we went to six weeks of learning to dance.

We started out with the waltz.  A couple of weeks on the waltz (I will always think of "Edelweiss" when waltzing as a result, and every time I hear that tune, I'm going to be thinking of that beautiful woman in my arms).  I pretend to have it mastered.  Shan dances so well she could fit in to a Disney princess movie.

Next up, they tried to teach the cha-cha.  I say tried, because that's what it was.  Please allow me paint a picture for you.  They teach you the "thirds" position, where one foot is slightly in front of the other, always on the ball of your foot (never the heel), and when you step, the foot that your weight is on is also the hip that is higher than the other.... wait... what?  Yup, that's what they taught me.  It flies in the face of all I've ever been taught about weight distribution, movement, and "flowing".  We tried for a few weeks.  We did the usual "scientific experimentation" to try and determine the best way to cha-cha.  We finally arrived at our conclusion - Shan is amazing at the cha-cha, but my hips just don't move that way.  We're going to go to a dance every once in a while to see if something finally clicks in my head, but in the mean time, I can't really cha-cha very well.

Next up - we learned the swing.  Luckily, I'd had some lessons on swing dancing before, but not the basics like they taught in this class.  It was a good thing to get the basic frame down for swing dancing, then the rest of it finally made sense.  It was like the heavens opened, inspiration flowed, and understanding prevailed, but without the heavens opening or inspiration flowing.  It was fabulous!  Once again, Shan rocked this one.

I love her smile!

Then, they taught us a fox trot.  With the length of the class, we really only had a single lesson on the fox trot.  The good thing is that after the other classes with the other styles, it actually came fairly naturally.  But, alas, Shan already had some fox trot lessons in the past, and it was really a learning experience for me.  That foxy lady trotted the floor like a pro!

Look Closely - She's giving me pointers!

Overall, here's what we learned... Shan has some serious skills, while I have some serious struggles.  But, given enough time and dancing, and my skill level will finally lift into the "doable" range.  We've already got it figured out to where we can go (and when) for some weekend nights out, and we will do so - that's a given.  I'd dance any night away with the love of my life!

Can Tears be Converted to Tears of Joy?

Yesterday, as I held my greatest treasure in my arms while tears flowed freely, feeling the gasping convulsions associated with the sobbing of a broken heart, and listening to the quiet whisperings of a woman so torn that life had reached a breaking point, I quietly wondered if those tears could be converted into tears of joy.

I didn't do so well at it.

The only thing that seemed to break into the thoughts were "when life is in the toilet, it just really seems crappy," which actually resulted in quite a few potty puns (and not just from me, though I may have been a purveyor of most) and one slight smile that cracked through.

When I stopped doing one task and said "there's just one more thing I need to do real quick" (I STILL purport that what she thought was not what I meant), and she cracked up, I took that as the biggest victory of the day.  I'd rather think about that smile than about selling the car, fixing things, or getting the media player at home fixed.  I didn't care about the ongoing issues between neighbors, nor the guy I saw walking out of Home Depot carrying a handgun on his belt.  I didn't care about running to grab door latch hardware, or getting things organized.

I had a smile... from HER.  The BEST thing to happen all weekend.  It was sorely needed - and we both knew it.

It's been said that infertility is like a death in the family.  That is true.  The problem is that this "death in the family" doesn't end because the pain never subsides.  A friend becoming pregnant can cause the death to happen again.  Not being selected with a possible adoption can cause it to happen again.  Being around people that aren't aware (they may be sensitive enough, but just have no idea to even think about infertility - an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing) can cause the pain.  Even thinking about the future can cause that hopeless loss we deal with day in and day out.  We live in a culture where babies are expected - and that dynamic is also something that causes the pain again, and again, and again.

None of this was caused by that this weekend.  It just happened.  And it keeps on happening.  Strong is the woman that stands tall.  Powerful is the wife that, when she has nothing else to give, gives just a little bit more.  Amazing is the girl that dons a happy face while trying to visit the sick, worry about the widows, and care for the needy.  Incredible is the lady that pushes forward, even when all seems lost.

She essentially laughs in the face of infertility, but she does it with tears.  Oh, how my heart aches for that fine woman!

Edelweiss

The sweetest, cutest thing on this planet convinced me to take an "extended education" course with her.... ballroom dance.  I must say, I've danced the waltz before, and a little swing dance, but never a real course for it, and never with the love of my life.  Tuesday was the first class, and we covered the waltz.

Turns out, I can cut a rug (without scissors, even)!  It was fun to think that I was going to make a fool of myself, only to have her standing next to me, giggling with every step we took.  Those giggles reminded me of times before this adoption thing, and when she giggles, no one can hold back a smile or chuckle of their own.  We learned the waltz to "Edelweiss", and that particular version had a really sappy, perfect phrase done by a solo trumpet.

So, we took the time to practice yesterday, and when we started to dance around the living room (trying not to knock over the book table or trip over the fireplace hearth), naturally I started singing.  And then I kicked into a mock trumpet.... and she giggled again!  It made this week absolutely AWESOME!  (You rock, Woman!)

Law of Compensation

Compensation:  com •pen •sa •tion  noun  \käm-pən-ˈsā-shən, -ˌpen-\

: something that is done or given to make up for damage, trouble, etc.
: something good that acts as a balance against something bad or undesirable

(http://www.merriam-webster.com)

Unfortunately, I have not been able to "rise above" as much as I hope I could!  Some days are better than others, but the infertility issue, adoption paperwork, holidays, unfulfilled expectations (mine, of course!), feeling like I need to explain everything to everyone when they ask how things are...is overly tiresome!!!  And yet, as I look at those "things"/tender mercies/blessings...etc I am "balanced" and filled!  I believe in the Law of Compensation!

Here are just a few of my 2013 "compensations":

A Jazz game with Mr. AMAZING!!!  Isn't he handsome?!?!  He is a gentle, loving, caring, compassionate man!  I am blessed to be loved by him!

The chance to spend some time with ADORABLE nieces and nephews!  I am blessed!

Being silly with my "bestest bud Is"! I THOROUGHLY enjoy our time together!

M.K...what a fabulous friend!  We have helped each other through some difficult times since our friendship began in 1994!  I miss hearing her laugh everyday!!!  


My life is GOOD!  I am compensated abundantly!  

Things Mr. Fix-It Can't Fix

I have two hands (a left and a right, duh - only my feet are two lefties).  On one hand, I have this relentless desire to fix problems.  On the other hand are problems.  Sometimes.... just sometimes.... the two don't work together very well.  There are problems that Mr. Fix-It cannot fix.

Take for instance our trial - no children.  It's a problem that I'd love to fix.  It would take a miracle to fix it, one that would either be an almost-but-not-impossible miracle of conception, or the miracle of adoption.  However, it hasn't happened.  Sometimes.... it feels like we are simply empty fuel tanks, with nothing else to give.  We are broken, crushed, and devastated (and have been for years).

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the edge of the couch, worried about my sweet wife.  As tears of heart-hurt roll down her cheek, catching the dim light of an evening floodlight, I sit longingly, unable to do anything.  I make attempts at distracting her from her thoughts, but to no avail.  I attempt to bring some humor into the situation, but it doesn't help.  I tell her I love her, but it doesn't make the pain go away.  I have a problem that cannot be repaired.  I watch her fight her way through experiences of having friends have happy pregnancies with a feigned smile, only to come home at night and cry.  I watch her hide her emotions from even me, and panic that I might lose this spectacular woman.  In this, the whisperings of God are drowned in the loud, screaming pain.  I can't fix the hurt she experiences - there is no solution that I can facilitate.

I am helpless.  It is the worst experience I've ever felt.  (Just to keep things in perspective, this experience also happens the very night I drop a wrench while under the car and bloody up the bridge of my nose between the eyes - not even that ache comes close to watching someone you love experience pain that you can do nothing about.)  This is an awful hell, and I cannot get her out of it.  I wouldn't wish this one on my worst enemy, and sometimes, not even my closest friends can help.  We are alone, even when we are not.  Is this really worth the fight?

It's Christmas Time!

This is one of my favorite seasons! (There are four of them, if you don't know that.) There are a number of things I love about this season :

• Gray skies remind me of serving the people of Canada, as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - when we had a part of a day for preparation, missionaries sometimes found themselves playing field hockey to help bring people together - and Canadian parks always seemed to have an ice rink due to neighbors, sandbags, and garden hoses
• Sometimes a good snow fall can help clear the air out, so the world is crisp and clean - twinkling stars on a cold, crisp, clear night will always remind me of the twinkly in my loves' eyes
• Christmas lights make me smile due to fond memories growing up where my father placed the lights out and checked each individual bulb - all without cursing or showing frustration
• Snow on the ground muffles the loud noises of living in the city, and that helps to bring a feeling of peace
• Nativities start to come out, and people are suddenly willing to wear their religion publicly - it seems like the entire nation is suddenly acceptable toward Christianity again
• Children start to smile, just thinking about Christmas day

Don't get me wrong, the season isn't perfect.  For example, the hustle-and-bustle of a "shopping season" can get pretty weary - the thought of trying to find the perfect gift for the ones you love can motivate many people to get out and "deal with it".  But each downside also has an upswing - the hustle-and-bustle results in sitting across from someone as they open a package that you know what you sacrificed for.  The cold air has beautiful skies (sometimes).  The neighbors can get together to celebrate the season.

This is one of my favorite seasons!