Can Tears be Converted to Tears of Joy?

Yesterday, as I held my greatest treasure in my arms while tears flowed freely, feeling the gasping convulsions associated with the sobbing of a broken heart, and listening to the quiet whisperings of a woman so torn that life had reached a breaking point, I quietly wondered if those tears could be converted into tears of joy.

I didn't do so well at it.

The only thing that seemed to break into the thoughts were "when life is in the toilet, it just really seems crappy," which actually resulted in quite a few potty puns (and not just from me, though I may have been a purveyor of most) and one slight smile that cracked through.

When I stopped doing one task and said "there's just one more thing I need to do real quick" (I STILL purport that what she thought was not what I meant), and she cracked up, I took that as the biggest victory of the day.  I'd rather think about that smile than about selling the car, fixing things, or getting the media player at home fixed.  I didn't care about the ongoing issues between neighbors, nor the guy I saw walking out of Home Depot carrying a handgun on his belt.  I didn't care about running to grab door latch hardware, or getting things organized.

I had a smile... from HER.  The BEST thing to happen all weekend.  It was sorely needed - and we both knew it.

It's been said that infertility is like a death in the family.  That is true.  The problem is that this "death in the family" doesn't end because the pain never subsides.  A friend becoming pregnant can cause the death to happen again.  Not being selected with a possible adoption can cause it to happen again.  Being around people that aren't aware (they may be sensitive enough, but just have no idea to even think about infertility - an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing) can cause the pain.  Even thinking about the future can cause that hopeless loss we deal with day in and day out.  We live in a culture where babies are expected - and that dynamic is also something that causes the pain again, and again, and again.

None of this was caused by that this weekend.  It just happened.  And it keeps on happening.  Strong is the woman that stands tall.  Powerful is the wife that, when she has nothing else to give, gives just a little bit more.  Amazing is the girl that dons a happy face while trying to visit the sick, worry about the widows, and care for the needy.  Incredible is the lady that pushes forward, even when all seems lost.

She essentially laughs in the face of infertility, but she does it with tears.  Oh, how my heart aches for that fine woman!

Edelweiss

The sweetest, cutest thing on this planet convinced me to take an "extended education" course with her.... ballroom dance.  I must say, I've danced the waltz before, and a little swing dance, but never a real course for it, and never with the love of my life.  Tuesday was the first class, and we covered the waltz.

Turns out, I can cut a rug (without scissors, even)!  It was fun to think that I was going to make a fool of myself, only to have her standing next to me, giggling with every step we took.  Those giggles reminded me of times before this adoption thing, and when she giggles, no one can hold back a smile or chuckle of their own.  We learned the waltz to "Edelweiss", and that particular version had a really sappy, perfect phrase done by a solo trumpet.

So, we took the time to practice yesterday, and when we started to dance around the living room (trying not to knock over the book table or trip over the fireplace hearth), naturally I started singing.  And then I kicked into a mock trumpet.... and she giggled again!  It made this week absolutely AWESOME!  (You rock, Woman!)

Law of Compensation

Compensation:  com •pen •sa •tion  noun  \käm-pən-ˈsā-shən, -ˌpen-\

: something that is done or given to make up for damage, trouble, etc.
: something good that acts as a balance against something bad or undesirable

(http://www.merriam-webster.com)

Unfortunately, I have not been able to "rise above" as much as I hope I could!  Some days are better than others, but the infertility issue, adoption paperwork, holidays, unfulfilled expectations (mine, of course!), feeling like I need to explain everything to everyone when they ask how things are...is overly tiresome!!!  And yet, as I look at those "things"/tender mercies/blessings...etc I am "balanced" and filled!  I believe in the Law of Compensation!

Here are just a few of my 2013 "compensations":

A Jazz game with Mr. AMAZING!!!  Isn't he handsome?!?!  He is a gentle, loving, caring, compassionate man!  I am blessed to be loved by him!

The chance to spend some time with ADORABLE nieces and nephews!  I am blessed!

Being silly with my "bestest bud Is"! I THOROUGHLY enjoy our time together!

M.K...what a fabulous friend!  We have helped each other through some difficult times since our friendship began in 1994!  I miss hearing her laugh everyday!!!  


My life is GOOD!  I am compensated abundantly!  

Things Mr. Fix-It Can't Fix

I have two hands (a left and a right, duh - only my feet are two lefties).  On one hand, I have this relentless desire to fix problems.  On the other hand are problems.  Sometimes.... just sometimes.... the two don't work together very well.  There are problems that Mr. Fix-It cannot fix.

Take for instance our trial - no children.  It's a problem that I'd love to fix.  It would take a miracle to fix it, one that would either be an almost-but-not-impossible miracle of conception, or the miracle of adoption.  However, it hasn't happened.  Sometimes.... it feels like we are simply empty fuel tanks, with nothing else to give.  We are broken, crushed, and devastated (and have been for years).

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the edge of the couch, worried about my sweet wife.  As tears of heart-hurt roll down her cheek, catching the dim light of an evening floodlight, I sit longingly, unable to do anything.  I make attempts at distracting her from her thoughts, but to no avail.  I attempt to bring some humor into the situation, but it doesn't help.  I tell her I love her, but it doesn't make the pain go away.  I have a problem that cannot be repaired.  I watch her fight her way through experiences of having friends have happy pregnancies with a feigned smile, only to come home at night and cry.  I watch her hide her emotions from even me, and panic that I might lose this spectacular woman.  In this, the whisperings of God are drowned in the loud, screaming pain.  I can't fix the hurt she experiences - there is no solution that I can facilitate.

I am helpless.  It is the worst experience I've ever felt.  (Just to keep things in perspective, this experience also happens the very night I drop a wrench while under the car and bloody up the bridge of my nose between the eyes - not even that ache comes close to watching someone you love experience pain that you can do nothing about.)  This is an awful hell, and I cannot get her out of it.  I wouldn't wish this one on my worst enemy, and sometimes, not even my closest friends can help.  We are alone, even when we are not.  Is this really worth the fight?

It's Christmas Time!

This is one of my favorite seasons! (There are four of them, if you don't know that.) There are a number of things I love about this season :

• Gray skies remind me of serving the people of Canada, as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - when we had a part of a day for preparation, missionaries sometimes found themselves playing field hockey to help bring people together - and Canadian parks always seemed to have an ice rink due to neighbors, sandbags, and garden hoses
• Sometimes a good snow fall can help clear the air out, so the world is crisp and clean - twinkling stars on a cold, crisp, clear night will always remind me of the twinkly in my loves' eyes
• Christmas lights make me smile due to fond memories growing up where my father placed the lights out and checked each individual bulb - all without cursing or showing frustration
• Snow on the ground muffles the loud noises of living in the city, and that helps to bring a feeling of peace
• Nativities start to come out, and people are suddenly willing to wear their religion publicly - it seems like the entire nation is suddenly acceptable toward Christianity again
• Children start to smile, just thinking about Christmas day

Don't get me wrong, the season isn't perfect.  For example, the hustle-and-bustle of a "shopping season" can get pretty weary - the thought of trying to find the perfect gift for the ones you love can motivate many people to get out and "deal with it".  But each downside also has an upswing - the hustle-and-bustle results in sitting across from someone as they open a package that you know what you sacrificed for.  The cold air has beautiful skies (sometimes).  The neighbors can get together to celebrate the season.

This is one of my favorite seasons!

I LOVE the month of November!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  I love Thanksgiving, gathering together with family and friends and spending time playing games, talking and just being!  I love the changing of the seasons.  Growing up, my mom would say that the mountains looked like a "bowl full of Trix cereal" because of the changing leaves.   Although I HATE being cold, I love wondering if I will wake up to snow, and hoping for a chance to wear my cozy, fluffy sweaters!  I love the taste warm apple cider and herbal tea on those crisp cold mornings.  Most of all, I LOVE, LOVE,  LOVE counting my blessings daily.

"A grateful heart will give you a touch of refinement that 

can come in no other way."  

Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I try to be grateful everyday during the year, but Joe and I have a tradition specific to November.  I tape up a "cutsy-pootsy" paper on our door and we list our blessings each day.  If anyone comes, to visit, they are invited to add to our list.

So for this post, I thought I'd post what we are grateful for!

November 1:  
Joe: "The sweetest, awesomest wife EVER!"
Shan:  A day off of work

November 2:
Joe:  Temple covenants
Shan:  Home!  K. & E. 's backflips, M.'s "Aunt Shannie!", and the twins' cuddles

November 3:
Joe:  I don't have to push handcarts with little-to-no food in the snow
Shan:  The chance to fast and commune with Heavenly Father

November 4:
Joe:  To be sustained by the Spirit when absolutely needed
Shan:  Bestest bud, Issy

November 5:  
Joe: Time to work on a car
Shan:  Warm, cozy, comfy bed

November 6:  
Joe: Great colleagues
Shan:  AMAZING Young Women

November 7:  
Joe: Inspiration from the Spirit of God
Shan:  Supportive, gentle, loving, patient "Mr. Amazing"

November 8:  
Joe: Good friends
Shan:  Good friends--Old and New

November 9:  
Joe: Service
Shan:  Living so close to so many temples and the chance to attend

November 10:  
Joe: Peace & Home Teachers
Shan:  The Spirit of God

November 11:  
Joe: A day off
Shan:  Veterans--I am grateful for those who have sacrificed and given so much for me to be free!  Thanks Mike!

November 12:  
Joe: Coolest, bestest wife ever!
Shan:  Salvation and Exaltation that comes because of Christ's birth

November 13:  
Joe: To witness testimonies
Shan:  Creativity and talents of others--especially the Young Women Board

November 14:  
Joe: Leaves are raked!
Shan:  Miracles

November 15:  
Joe: Good friends
Shan:  Technology

November 16:  

Joe: Warmth

Shan:  Joe's willingness to help me correct papers!!!

November 17:  

Joe: Sleep?

Shan:  Hugs and kisses from niece & nephew 

November 18:  

Joe:  Not being on call

Shan:  Grades are DONE!!! 

November 19:  

Joe:  To be able to turn off my mind

Shan:  Tender mercies

November 20:  
Joe: Grateful that stress of Shan's activities--finished
Shan:  Memories of love, happiness, and contentment

November 21:  

Joe: One more day of being on-call!  

Shan:  Fun day with students

November 22:  

Joe: Sleep

Shan:  Able to serve others 

November 23:  

Joe:  Able to go to the temple

Shan:  Temple covenants and peace 

November 24:  

Joe:  A low-key day

Shan:  Kind words and actions of others

November 25:  

Joe:  Getting things done

Shan:  Joe's service to me--He cleaned the house on his day off!  WOW!!!  I LOVE Mr. AmAzInG!!

November 26:  

Joe:  Clean home

Shan:  Able to serve others 

November 27:  

Joe:  Friends

Shan:  A home where others feel comfortable to visit and play 

November 28:  

Joe:  Family

Shan:  Tender moments with T cuddling and hearing her "adventures"--I love being an aunt!

November 29:  

Joe:  Only two more work days and then the most critical time of the year is done...at least for another 365 days.

Shan:  New opportunities and a chance to reflect on blessings

November 30:  

Joe:  Time

Shan:  Beautiful mornings

WE ARE BLESSED!!!!

Canadian Geese

This morning I awoke to the sound of honking...not from a car, but from a flock of Canadian Geese.  The sound brought a smile to my face because I was reminded of their beauty and symbolism in my life.  Several years ago, my dear friend, Monica, shared with me an interesting concept about the Canadian Geese's flight.

Canadian Geese support one another as they fly in a V-formation.  At the front of the V, a goose will fight the wind and basically carry the burden of the flock.  The other geese fly at the precise angle, rather than directly behind each other, allowing the birds to easily fly in the draft.  The honking is their encouragement to the front goose.  The geese continue this pattern of flight until they reach their destination and land gracefully.  Another interesting fact is, if one of the birds become injured, two other birds will stay with the injured bird until it is ready to fly again. 

I am SO blessed to have family, friends, young women from my church, and loved ones who have helped me "fly through the winds" of this most recent heart-hurt--infertility.  Many have stayed by my side and provided a shoulder to cry on, a kind word, and numerous prayers on our behalf.  Through their acts of service, I have also recognized God's tender mercies and love for me.  Their acts of love have provided strength and encouragement to weather the dark storms of anger and the "unknown".  

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "God does notice us, and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."  

I am grateful for the reminder that God is there when we are in the midst of trials and difficult times.  THANK YOU!!!  

My hope is that we can all reach out beyond our personal heart-hurt and lift one another.  I know I'm going to try a little harder.  Life is made beautiful as we support, lift, and strengthen one another just like the graceful Canadian Geese!